She lit up a cigarette.It's been a year since she smoked, and her hands shook as she put the forlorn stick in her mouth.
Sweet menthol ecstacy pervaded her. Nicotine shot rapidly to her brain, down to her asthma-ridden lungs as graceful shapes danced teasingly in her face... slowly... into oblivion.
Ahhh... the good old days.She remembereed she was rather innocent when she started smoking. She boasted she already knew life then, but of course, she didn't. It was rather naive. Real life paled in comparison to her idealistic naivetes. And smoking. Why, smoking is one of the little pleasures in her fairy tale world.
She yearned to return to that cloistered little state again. Back then, life was less complicated.Or at least, that's what she would like to think.
Maybe that's the reason why she held a pack of West Ice in her hand.
She drew another puff.
But what is to believe? Before, she thought she knew herself. She indiscriminately wrote all the do's and dont's she gathered through the years ("I don't want to be like mommy. I am different from the rest of them. I want to be different. I don't want to marry. I want to have my own life. I don't want to.."). She thought all those mental notes made her self.
Her reveries brought her back to the present.
She distinctly remembered that she promised her Daddy she would be a good girl. She thought she was sincere. At least that was she she believed in. Or would like to believe in.
Apparently, last nights' events proved otherwise.
And what does that say about her? Clearly, she does not know what
BELIEF really means. And it's ashaming that she took pride on that before. Her life was rooted in pride, or at least, a huge chunk of it. Pride, which she held in utter importance, is dependent on these beliefs. Now, how dare she boast of her impeccable, unbending convictions that she supposedly held all her life when she does not even know what those really meant. And if everything precious to her is ambiguous, then life does not make any sense at all.
Basically, everything is just useless.
Bittersweet absurdity. Whoever said "ignorance is bliss" obviously didn't know much about life at all.
Puff. Blow. Another cloud of smoke.
But is there anything worth believing in? Is there anything worth believing at all?
Stupid questions. Nietzsche must be right about the whole nihilism shit. Everything just boils down to sheer, unadulterated
NOTHINGNESS.
She heaved another puff before finally throwing her stick away. She watched as its embers slowly died down on the pavement. Tiny, flickering lights danced, fought, struggled to stay, to leave an indelible mark on the ground. But of course, everything were reduced to fine gray ash.She then wondered if the great civilizations of the past were obliterated that way... if her life will end up that way.And as she started to leave, she realized maybe her life does not even need obliteration anymore. Her life is already similar to that lone clump of ash on the pavement.
[gasp!]
i am cutting pulan today.
[gasp!]
i am cutting literary criticism today.
[gasp!]
in an hours' time i won't be heading to the second floor of the Science Education Complex, specifically on Room 119-A.
[gasp!]
Why?
[gasp!]
'Cuz I'm cutting my
favorite subject.
[gasp!]
[gasp!]
[gasp!]
and yes, I do have asthma.
[gasp!]
hope you get the pun here.
[gasp!]
stupid Things you shouldn't do:
1) Drink coffee after a minor asthma attack.
2) Drink coffee after taking steroids to prevent minor asthma attack from becoming a major asthma attack.
3) Drink coffee after taking steroids afer having a minor asthma attack.
(hurls)
ang olats.
yesterday, the sky had big, fluffy, angry clouds on it.
it has "bloody rain" written all over it.
however i still clung on to my pride and didn't bring an umbrella because:
1) it's phallic (feminists, or semi-feminists, whichever way you prefer like me simply can't condone carrying that closely resembles a phallus)
2) it simply does not go with my outfit. besides, i don't want to go around the campus with liana, promoting LitSoc in various freshie classes with that hideous thing
3)i'm too lazy to lug around with
that.
so there. my last words beofre i left the dorm were, "I'd rather get wet (uh-hmmm... you perverted kids. i know how your mind works. for proprietys' sake, let's change that to "
get rained on")than bring an umbrella with me."
and so i did.
***
but i did not learn. the weather does not cooperate with you. i still did not bring an umbrella with me today.
and so i was drenched.
anyway, i decided to give in, and come French class, i was carrying that disgusting umbrella with me.
guess what?
it did not rain.
AT ALL.
(screams bloody murder)
okay. i should clarify things. JOy will probably kill me (swear, I will cut down on my lesbo jokes [crosses fingers on both hands]!).
I am attributing my sabogation (yes, dearies. it's a taglish word. so you don't pronounce it with an accent, like sa-bo-GAY-shun. :D) to the weather.
but i am getting ahead of my self. let me start from the beginning.
i started the day right.
i throw on this fun outfit that i have been saving just for today. i had this cute, ruffly white top and this black jeans-skirt that has a red star on its left back-pocket and a red zigzag that run all the way down to up to like, two inches above my ankles ankles (it was the slit). anyway, i completely forgot that i ripped the slit part the last time i wore it, so now it was like, an inch down my butt.
being a lit -tracker, i chould have regarded it as "foreshadowing".
however, i didn't think i would become a mrilyn monroe wannabee today because it wasn't that windy and the sun (horror of horrors!)was shining.
i proceeded to reserve the dela costa consultation room for the litsoc rec week interviews right after philo class. i don't want to go amnesiac again on all my litsoc responsibilities, so I decided to reserve the room ASAP.
i was done after fifteen minutes and proceeded to go home. as i was walking along CTC, somebody shouted my name, and wonder of wonders, it was my ex-bitch jaymee!
we decided to reminisce the good ole days and i accompanied her to colayco to sign up for LFC and Guidon (and talked her out of LEX, hehe).
then it started to get really windy.
in fact, it was soooo windy i was flashing my J.Lo butt to everyone who passed by colayco.
even though my friends personally think my butt deserves as much exposure as J.Los', being a porn star is definitely not included in my wishlist (besides, my butt is more anti-social than me, so i don't think it will appreciate all that attention. leave the poor thing alone).
and then it started raining.
it started raining REALLY HARD.
All our efforts in keeping ourselves dry were futile (as J-mees'umbrella is busted), so we decided to just get ourselves wet.
So there, jaymee and I walked in the rain, at school. it was both our first time to get drenched in manila.
I coerced jaymee to stay at the dorm first, and lent her my clothes.
It was scary, totally scary. SHE LOOKED EXACTLY JUST LIKE ME.
(shivers)brrrr....
so much for nominal relationship nostalgia.
Jaymee and I got wet today.
She also wants me to be her wife.
I accompanied her to the LFC booth an hour earlier to sign up (yay! we are forever org mates!). we even have the same sked (she cums, i mean , COMES right after moi).
kewlness.
She also signed up as Jaymee Mortega.
...
...
...
Now the world wants me to be their wife.
***
By the way, Joy. Ex-bitch and I are wondering why aren't you jealous of her. I mean, Leo and I don't get wet together, nor do we stay in the dorm alone after getting wet (TOGETHER) and we don't even share the same bed (TOGETHER).
And I'd downplay the fact that she's more masculine than Leo.
Hmmm... if she took on my surname, then that makes me the butch, right?
just a thought, honey.
jaymee and i got wet today.
she also expressed her desire to marry me.
i accompanied her to the LFC booth (yay! we're still org mates!). She signed up for the interview (yay, we have the same sked. she cums, i mean (ahem), comes right after me) and signed uo as Jaymee Mortega. Isn't that just lovely?!
The world wants me to be their wife.
yayness! for the first time since seond sem, i have used the CTC comp lab! hooray for CTC! hooray for free internet (ay, wait. this is included pala in our tuition fee)! hooray!
***
juz finished French class today. We learned how to inroduce people. it was fun. now i learned the frech equivalents for "gomennasai" (je sui desolee) and "nandemonai" (de rien). Mme. Chee taught us pronunciations and stuff. kewlness.
oh, and finally, i fathomed the answer to the question that has baffled me, allen and leo since the first week of june.
the quintessence (or wait, is it quintessential? but quintessential is an adjective...right?) of pate de foie.
It's pronounceed as pat du fwa, darlings.
isn't it juz incredible?!
***
i am reading execom stuffies while updating my post. something caught my attention. it struck me so much i was laughing my head off HERE IN CTC (ctrl+c, ctrl+v)
allen (aka La Presidente):
that's not really fair, nor true. i don't even supervise
her... we're room mates here, and i do not, nor plan to extend my
being the bossy litsoc president in the apartment setting... so
please include myra in the reminders and deadlines and all the
hoolabaloo, as is only fair. she needs it, as both her memory and
mine are in-credile.
Jaymee (ex-bitch):->
but prior to my post, i already talked to myra. she didn't need reminding, in fact, she reminded ME of her duties for this month. as that was most un-sabog and therefore, unlikely of her, i figured YOU were breathing down her back. or something. haha. but i still love you myee and i'm sorry, hindi ko alam na nagbagong-buhay ka na pala. i'm so proud of you!! *heartses*
-->> off with her/his head! jk.
i think the last one was woomie dearest (iloveheriloveheriloveher! she loves me sooo much that she does not breathe any Litsoc thingie to me in the dorm...).
hehe. i promise, i'll try harder to be the most un-sabog HR VP in litsoc history ever!!!(spot the irnoy here? I have learned sooooo much from Sir Pulan and Cleanth Brooks and all those lit geniuses that he lets us read all the time)
haha. but jaymeedoo, your unwavering faith in me is quite touching. i shall keep that in mind. the last thing i want is to let my ex-bitch down...
i actually talked about my whole dory thing earlier in my scholars' guidance interview. this nice girl, queenie, told me to buy a whiteborad or something so that all my org responsibilities will be totally visible. it sounds fun. i'm envisioning yellow and brown carolinas (or if National bookstore doesn't have brown, then the usual yellow, orange and black Litsoc colors will do) piled together and stuff and i'll get my creative juices running by decorating it and stuff and it will be lovely, just lovely! i hope ate jen will let me tape something like that in the wall. Besides, taking down reminders in my special, handydandy Litsoc notebook does not work for me (If it does, then I won't be forgetting all my HR responsibilities, ayt?). The poor thing is left in my bag most of the time (just as queenie hypothesized) so there. I might as well utilize a bigger, better, funner, reminders thingie. Who knows, maybe I won't be as sabog as this...
Therese has this lovely quote in here e-mail. It says:
"The only thing that equals writing what you think is a good poem is to write another just as good. It is like coming home after a long absence, and knowing the trees and water and land are yours, your land; or waking up with the woman you have known all your life, and knowing she is your life; to feel the boundaries of yourself widen and expand in the sober drunkenness of your brain." -Al Purdy
Isn't it just nice? it reminded me of bard-y boy, as he's the one who continually makes poems out of nowhere (I like reading poetry at all, but I suck making them. fiction, for me, is fun-ner).
speaking of bards and poems, i'm starting to feel guilty about the lack-of-romantic responses-issuing-from-me in my life (whew!). i can't help but revert to the "mushily crazy" happenings two nights ago. the sight of riddick and his lips plastered on my cheek for whole, big, fat five minutes will always be impressed upon my memory (i bet you he's thinking otherwise. like, in lit or in the movies, when couples kiss, the whole world just stops and Karen Carpenters'infamous "Close To You" suddenly comes into picture? well, for me it was more like gluing my eyes to fantasy movei eye-candy).
yes joy, i am giving you the complete liberty to call me the "Queen of Mush- Lethargy", I'm sorry, i don't think the "romanticity" (if there's such a word)in me is near one-fourth of yours. Even lovely ex-bitch attest to it ("Myra is Joyful now and I finally met why. She is obviously out to drive me mad with jealousy. Psh. Spare me the subterfuge, my darling ex-bitch. You know quite well we both have no sense of romance in our "souls." Yesss. You love me.")
And seriously, I kinda feel bad about it. Yes, it sounds insane, but i actually still feel. i'm not that cold-hearted. or at least i think.
oh well, he could always change his mind. i am still aniticipating that fateful day.
whatever.
***
i gotta end now. i have a movie to catch in sir brions' class in fifteen minutes. It was fun blog-updating here in CTC. therefore, i shall resolve to this every TTH or whatever chance i get. and yeah, if i do remember to update my blog.
ja mata ne, narco baby! bonne journee!
Mood: Disgusted
Song: "Girl" by Tori Amos
From the shadow she calls
and in the shadow she
finds a way
And in the shadow she CRAWLS
clutching her faded photograph
My image UNDER her thumb
yes with a message for my heart
yes with a message for my heart
She's been everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own
She's been everybody else's girl
maybe one day she'll be her own
And in the doorway they stay and laugh asv iolins fill with water screams from the BLUEBELLS can't make them go away well I'm not seventeen but I've cuts on my knees falling down as the winter takes one more CHERRY TREE rushin' rivers thread so thin limitation dreams with the flying pigs turbid blue and the drugstores too safe in their coats and anda in their do's yeah smother in our hearts a pillow to my dots
one day maybe one day she'll be her own and in the mist there she rides and castles are burning in my heart and as I twist I hold tight and I ride to work every morning wondering why "sit in the chair and be good now" and become all that they told you the white coats enter her room and I'm callin my baby callin' my baby callin
everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own.
-"Girl" by Tori Amos
***
do you sometimes wonder how totally insignificant things gain total leverage on you?
***
i started the day right. i got to finish my handouts and my lit paper two hours before class .
i was very proud of myself.
forgive my being gullible, but before i went to school, i actually felt my paper was just not that all bullshit (okay, maybe it was crappy, but still...).
i was happy.
it was something like, the significance of studying first-world literature in a thord-world country.
i guess i'm much of a Sir Pulan now, asmy paper raved on how lit affects values and stuff. it was one of our recent discussions in lit 112.1.
i thought i didn't care. i actually bought all those stuff about lit and values-formation and shit.
I totally forgot that Ma'am Rica has this peer-review thingie on first papers. it's a ritual. the whole class passes their papers and she then distributes those. You must comment on whatever paper you get.
The paper I got was brilliant. It was totally honest and modern and fun.
However,
I'm not much of an editor.
Nor a commentor.
It was one of those activities that i don't like.
Last year, kae got to comment on my paper. She was very nice, she did me proud.
I should have braced myself for this year.
Whoever commented on my paper told me that I was an Eagleton (he was the one who wrote the value-formation and lit article we discussed in Sir Pulan's class) rip-off.
And for some unknown reason, that really BOTHERED me. It never occured to me that I'm an individual who doesn't know how to think for herself. It was the next thing to being worthless. It's like Im' this vaccum. I don't have beliefs and opinions. I'm just this sponge who takes everything in. The words, "critical" and "analytical" are foreign to me. Apparently I'm not making full use of my brain.
I was on zombie mode for the rest of the class.
I think I'm gonna be like this for the rest of the day.
there you go, jaymee. i do hope i have satiated your curiosity. :D
okay jaymee. i think i owe you a story. and i mean a STORY.
which means i should start from the beginning, which was like, three months ago (see how much i love you, ex-bitch? :D). anyway, this is gonna be way LOOOONNNGGG, as this a STORY so i advise that you read this when you are totally bored with life and got nothing to do except read some neurotics' "love story".
(takes a deep breath)
okay.
****
i don't think you still remember this, jaymeedoo, but i slept over at kriz's place last March. we had this deal that we're gonna take a break from schoolwork (Kriz realized how pathetic i am ) so we planned this "sister-bonding weekend". I'm gonna go to his place on friday night and sleep there (well, i actually didn't sleep. we had a movie marathon. or rather, i had a movie marathon. he fell asleep while we were on the second movie. he was like, "Me?! Sleep on Moulin Rouge?! [it's his favorite movie] That would be just preposterous! Zzzzzzzz...."), then go to intramuros with his churchmates on saturday to help him shoot piccies for his photography class. in turn, he'll sleep over my place on Saturday night. so there.
it was fun. there were a lot of interesting things at Intramuros so we didn't have much trouble. I didn't have problems being an outsider, as sometimes I like being apathetic and alone. I didn't talk to anyone except Kriz and his siter and to some random people who were trying to be polite (or maybe they were just innately friendly).
Then out of the blue, there was this guy who blurted out, "gomennasai" and suddenly my HR skills were activated. Soon, we were yakking about anime and Nihongo and lit and "Fast Cars" and Batman and Kriz ended up the one being OP (the poor thing). He didn't seem to notice though, as he was too busy taking pictures.
And then we left. I was a bit disappointed, actually. But it was okay (and for the umpteenth time Kriz, I didn't have a crush on him that time. I'm not the type who goes about looking for romance. Its the least of my concerns).
So there. I met someone cool and stuff. And I thought that was the end of it.
Then about two weeks later some Bard Undone invited me to his friendster. I was about to reject it as I thought he was some depressed white male in dire need of amail-order bride. However, curiosity got the better of me so I proceeded to check out his profile and was surprised to find out that he was the interesting guy from Kriz's church.
And then I sent him a message ("Ohmigosh, you're also from JASMS? ...") and he replied and then e-mailed him again and stuff.
I think it was on the third or second e-mail that I started to like him.
Then I started grilling Kriz about him (the poor thing). Of course, since they're friends and stuff, Kriz was like, "He's really wonderful and nice and stuff... but he has a thing for our church mate so there (that was after he laughed at me. He was like, "Ohmigosh! You?! have a CRUSH?!hahahahahahahaha!" Yep. that's how friends are.)." And I was like, "It's okay. He's my crush and all but i am not looking for romance. I just want to be his friend cuz he's really interesting and I can relate to him and stuff."
Well, waddya know? When I checked my friendster two days before my birthday his message was something like, "I think i'm starting to have a crush on you and stuff (sorry, I don't quote people verbatim, unless I have to)." And I was like, "Kewl! I have a crush on you too!"
When I didn't receive a birthday greeting from him I started to doubt my sanity. Maybe I was just hallucinating when I read that message and he didn't like me at all and I just incriminated myself (which was no biggie by the way) and everything was just a projection of my id.
A week later, i proceeded to text him and stuff and he realized he got my number mixed up so there.
As for me, I sighed out of relief knowing that i didn't invent the whole thing and I wasn't hallucinting and he does like me after all (yay! My sanity's still intact).
So there...
We started going out...
And stuff.
Ooh! I remember, when we first went out. My mom asked me who i'm gonna be with. and I was like, " Si Joy, 'yung churchmate ni Kriz." And she was like, "Ano yan, babae o lalaki?" And I was like (mentally), "Oh gosh, she's using The Tone on me. If I tell her that he's a guy then it's likely that she won't let me go out anymore. My parents are the type of people that think I have sex on my mind all the time and that whoever guy I go out with is likely to get me pregnant (shifts to LN mode: 'Like, whatever!'). However, if I tell them that he's a girl and somebody sees us then I'm doomed". So, I told her he's a guy. Then she was like, "Ano ba yan? Bakla?" And I was like, "Uhm, no...he's bi." And my mom was like, "Okay. have fun."
And then when we went to our place (yes, he actually went to Bulacan albeit the fact that he lives here in Quezon City. isn't he just wonderful?)and my paranoid mom and her sister were debating on his sexuality and mommy kept on insisting that he's a homosexual. My whole family knows him as my bi/homo friend. tee-hee.
And no, we're not an official couple yet.
Hehe. Last summer I actually asked him if we are already couple. He was like, "Do you love me?" And I was like, "No..." And he was like, "Eh di hindi pa tayo and stuff".
So there.
And that's okay with me. WAY OKAY. Cuz well, I still have a bit of Gabriel trauma so I still have this perverse view on love and romance and all that shit so I don't want to tell him that I love him cuz I should first sort out my opinion regarding love and mush and stuff and telling someone that you love him without having a clear picture of what love is is well, uber-weird. So there. Besides, I am TOO immature to be tied down to a relationship. One of our phone conversations went like this:
he: "Let's talk about mushy stuff..."
me:"Okay..."
he:"Blahblah mushy stuff blahblahblah..."
me: "Uh-huh..."
he:"Blahblah mushy stuff blahblahblah..."
me: "Okay..."
he:"Blahblah mushy stuff blahblahblah..."
me: "Mmm-hmm..."
he:"Blahblah mushy stuff blahblahblah..."
me: "Okay..."
So there. I am total opposite of an ideal girlfriend. So I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. At least not yet. I mean, sometimes I really pity him cuz he's this totally romantic guy and stuff and I am this totally apathetic girl and stuff. And for me, it's better to be apathetic than a hypocrite so there. Besides, there are those extremely RARE occassions that I do get mushy. However, those instances join the ranks of monkey-eating eagles in terms of visibility.
And yeah, my parents have this "no-boyfriend-until-you-graduate-rule" so there. I am not a fan of clandestine relationships so there. I have told him about it anyway and he seems okay with it.
Last Sunday he told me he's falling in love with me (Leo told me it should be translated as, "Tayo na ba?" and I told him that he was wrong cuz I already asked him that last summer. When I finished my story he nearly fell off the chair laughing. Ang olats ko daw.). And of course I retorted with the classic, "Okay".
Olats ko. I'm sorry. I'm still adjusting my love principles and stuff. I don't want to lie to him. That would be totally pointless. I do like him A LOT, that much I can tell (Yes, i do. In my own way. I know you will have a hard time digesting this little trivia after all my olats reponses).
And he told me that he'll wait for me and stuff.
Guess what was my reply (I'll give you ahint: it starts with "O" and ends with "Y" it's a four-letter word so "okray" definitely does not count)?
Seriously though, I am giving him a few months before he changes his mind. I can see it now: "Hi Myra. About the whole love thing? Well, forget about it. I just realized how horrible you are."
Really.
I don't know. For the past few days I have been playing the role of a demanding , VIP girlfriend (like he was supposed to go to band practice with Kriz and Rai but he didn't cuz we were supposed to go to Powerbooks and stuff. Even kriz and Rai tagged along and I really felt bad after it cuz I don't know, for some unknown reason I was just not in the mood for conversation and stuff so I was practically silent the whole time and stuff). Just last Wednesday, he told me he felt like I shooed him off and stuff (oopsie...I'm really sorry, Bob). It's really weird. The fact that he told me he's falling for me makes me want him to feel otherwise. Maybe because we've only known each other for like, three months and stuff and I feel like it's such a short time to fall in love with someone. Or maybe I have trouble accepting the fact that I'm actually worth falling in love with or something. Or probably I want him to see the real me and stuff, that I am moody and bitch and evil and shit. Argh. I really don't know.
That just goes to show how twisted I am.
But one thing's for sure: that I do like him. And I think that's s ufficient enough. At least for the time being, at least (Don't worry, Joy. When I got my love-views all straightened up you'll be the first one to know. :D ).
they weren't as bad as i thought. I like pulan, actually (even though the quantity of his reading double by the minute). he makes me think. i actually recite in his class :D i pity sir acuña. on our first meeting he was like, "so there's no one into goth here? how about wicca? or Cabbalah?" i felt the energy drain from him after the realizing that no one genuinely liked his class (ok i do, but i don't want people thinking i'm a major suck-up. now i don't care). the poor thing. and people find him scary. maybe they find him intimidating and strange cuz he's really smart and all.
oh well.
and sir brion! he's soooooooo fun! our three hours seem to fly by. he's really cool and fun and smart and oh, did i say he's fun?
as for my french teacher who is reportedly a "terror"... well, she's frank. and sarcastic. so it's fun. i don't find her scary at all.
plus, our philo teacher is fun, Fun FUN!
so there. this is not much of a semestral suicide after all. i actually feel like a lit major since i have three lit classes this sem (these are actually my last. sniff...). the readings are total killers, but they're okay. i prefer reading than calculating electricity consumptions and stuff.
...
...
...
i am giving this nerdo-optimism a month. come august i'll be screaming bloody murder.
